For shame.

Look at me.

I have gone and done it. I done did the one thing I promised I wouldn't done do. I stopped blogging. Well...temporarily, obviously. I guess if I really stopped blogging, then you wouldn't be reading this. Which you are. All three of you.

But, I had good excuses for my hiatus. Well, not necessarily GOOD excuses. I had excuses. And at least for PART of my hiatus.

Here's the breakdown:

- Husband goes to Baltimore for six weeks to learn how to be a Public Affairs superstar, or some such nonsense, leaving me to fend for myself in the wilds of Germany.
- Wild fires in Texas nearly destroy my childhood home (and DID destroy the homes of our closest family friend). Luckily, Mr. Destructo Fire only destroyed the playhouse that my dad and grandpa built for us kids, my dad's jewelry shop, pump house, barn, and the dad-built sidecar that my brother and I made our home every time we went on to a rally. Stupid fire...
- Fly home to Texas for two weeks. I'm terrified of flying. Flying by myself is even worse. I drank a lot of wine on that flight...
- Uncle breaks his back doing some sort of "I'm going to kick Mr. Destructo Fire's ASS" dance, and they find a tumor in his kidney. That's 2, Mr. Destructo. You won't get a 3rd.
- I somehow manage to pull the scar tissue in my ankle, causing uberpain and uberswelling.
- Grandma gets put in assisted living. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that now I feel even MORE guilty for living halfway around the world, and now all she wants to do is talk about how when she gets out of the assisted living, she's coming to visit me in Germany. Also, I'm a germaphobe, and that place scared me. So. Many. GERMS!
- After two weeks of reverting to a 19 year old living with her parents, I fly back to Germany.
This time, whiskey is consumed.
- Due to mechanical problems on the plane, we are an hour late waiting for the repair shop to fix what I can only assume will result in our fiery deaths.
More whiskey is consumed.
- I have to sit next to Wiggles McShiftybutt on the plane ride home. Next to him is a husband and wife, and the wife is easily 10x more scared of flying than I am. She freaks me out.
- Some bitch at the baggage claim takes my bag instead of hers. The attendant assures me it will be ok, and I'll get my bag back. I don't believe her. Did I mention I had just spent about $500 on new clothes? Also, my wedding shoes were in the bag, and some craftwork that took me quite literally 100 hours to complete?
- It takes me an hour and a half to find the shuttle to take me back to the Holiday Parking lot. The Frankfurt Airport is quite literally the worst airport I have ever been to. And that's including my trips to the Nairobi airport, and the El Salvador airport.
- I get the kiddos back from the kennel. My cat is sick. Like, super-explosive-crusty-butt diarrhea sick. This upsets me more than anything else, I think. I am at home by myself, completely jet-lagged, awake for 36 hours, no bag (which means no clothes, toothbrush, etc.), leg is giving out on me, and I keep having to clean up poo all night.

Now, I absolutely realize that I'm a big huge drama queen. Everything worked out in the end. My flights were fine, I got my bags back, the husband came home, my uncle is fine, my grandma is getting out of assisted living, my parents hit pay dirt with the insurance.

But that DOESN'T MEAN that at the time I didn't think it was the most horrible, no-good, very worst time ever. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, dammit.

And then when things all calmed down, I just plain didn't feel like blogging. But then my guilt about blogging made me want to blog, but then I couldn't, because I felt too ashamed to do it. Also, when you find out that half your closest friends stopped reading your blog a long time ago, it kinda crushes your blogging spirit a little. Yeah, you know who you are. :P

Hiroshima 2011

There are a lot of new issues and crises going on in my bubble right now (wildfires, burned homes, broken bones, blood clots, nursing homes, etc etc etc). I have neither the time nor desire to talk about them right now. Maybe in a couple days or so.

However.....

If I see one more person on Facebook say that they are "praying" or that "God is protecting" or that "prayers are being requested"...I am going to lose my ever-loving mind.

Seriously, stfu. I have never been so angry and ready to be a hermit in the Andes as I am now.

The next person that tells me they're "praying for help" is going to get beaned by a whiffle ball.

Yes, a whiffle ball. Not a softball, like I would REALLY like to hurl. I'm not completely heartless....

Impossible Feat

It is practically impossible to watch a subtitled foreign movie while crocheting a detailed piece. Never woulda thunk it.

Come again?

At the grocery store on base(commissary) you can either do self checkout, or have a personal bagger/grocery valet. The bagger has to take the groceries out to your car, and you are obligated to tip them (that's how they make their wages).

Baggers are also instructed to make small talk as they walk you to your car.

So the other day, I had a teenage guy handling my groceries. It started to rain as we were walking to my car. I stated, "Oh, good. now I have an excuse to not mow the lawn when I get home."

Then Mr. Man says, "Don't you have a husband or son that can do that for you?"

:|

I know he was just making small talk, but there are just so many things wrong with that question...

Frustration

I either have fat sausage fingers, or the typing function on this ipod is meant for babies. Every time i try to type a blog, my fingers mush the wrong letters. Even this has taken me half an hour to type, mainly because i have to use the backspace every other letter. That may be a slight exaggeration, but not by much...
But, next week is Texas, so maybe i'll have a chance to blog on my parents computer.

And out of nowhere...

I'm cold.

Make up your mind already, Germany.

My Sweat Glands are in Overdrive

Gross, eh? And ladylike.

Really, I have been sweatier than a whore in church.

Ok, ok...I'm sweatier than me in church.

Dear Europe:
Please jump on the a/c bandwagon.
Quickly, if you don't mind.