Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

Saturday was a busy day for Ankle du Aycock.

Josh and I and the dog went for an actual walk. There are walking trails all over around here. We let Sasha off the leash, and she had a ball. But apparently ticks are a big deal here, because I ended up picking two off of her later. Ew. Ticks are gross, but most gross stuff doesn't really bother me. Let me rephrase - if it's gross and comes from a family member or myself, it doesn't bother me. I can clean up Sasha or Rufus vom without batting an eye, but I certainly will not help you clean up after your pet. The Mister, however, is a different story. He takes one look at the tick on Sasha, and nearly pukes all over the living room. He can't even clean crusty food off of dirty dishes without gagging. I have a bad habit of picking at my fingernails (only in the event of a hangnail or jagged edge) and that is enough to send Josh into a fit of dry heaves. I don't know how we're ever going to have children together.

Yes I do, he's going to make me do all the gross stuff, while he gets to do all of the super fun/cute stuff. Reason #283 why we don't have children yet.

But I digress. Again.

After the walk, we went to our new house. We don't move in until July 1st (holycrapimsoreadytogorightnow) but I had never seen the inside of the house yet. That sucker is HUGE! 2700 square feet of Aycock Fun. It'll be awesome. It's 3 stories, which means a whole lot of stairs for the ankle-impaired. After the morning's walk and then the afternoon stair-master challenge, I was donesky. We were planning on going to a Medieval Festival at a castle on Sunday, but my appendages had other plans. Namely, sitting around watching movies. But that's ok, because we'll have plenty of chances for fun while living here.

That is, if I can remember that 28 isn't old.

Unfair

I had a startling realization these past few days...

I'm old.

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, 28 is not that old.

But believe me, I am old. I am an aged, decrepit, crotchety lady.

Thursday night is Trivia Night at one of the English pubs in Landstuhl. One of Josh's coworkers goes every Thursday, and he invited us along.

I have never been to a bar filled with more adolescent, polo-shirt & sideways-cap wearing tools. It was absolutely ridiculous.

That was clue #1 that I have gotten old.

I had a grand total of 3 drinks over a 4 hour period. Three flippin' drinks. I spent all of Friday feeling like poo-on-a-stick.

Clue #2 that I have gotten old.

Plus, I found a gray hair the other day.

That would be the 3rd and final clue.

Somebody dig a hole, get some pallbearers, and slap some nails in this coffin.

(btw, our team kicked ass at trivia...of course...old people know more about trivia than 18 year old airmen)

(also, not to worry, the gray hair has been plucked)

An Ode to the Weather

It's Raining

It's Pouring

The Old Man isn't snoring.

He's too busy staring at me as I try to walk on the wet sidewalk with a cane and a dog that likes to pull on the leash.

I hope he gets a good laugh.

Simon and Garfunkel were on to something...

Little children play outside our hotel room. It's a wonderful playground. I would have loved it at that age. So much joy, and so carefree. Jumping on the trampoline, having a tea party in the playhouse, racing their tricycles up and down the road.

Hotel guests come and go from the lobby. I hear them say their goodbyes, and their thank-yous. Maybe they leave to move into a permanent home. Maybe they're just here to visit.

The sound of cars passing by, with the driver listening to a favorite song. Folk songs, and country songs. Opera and rap.

The sounds of friends walking the streets, hand-in-hand. Talking, laughing, loving.

The sounds of the hotel kitchen; chefs preparing the luscious meals to be served to the hotel guests. Cooking, arranging tables. Guests waiting to eat the delicious waffles, bacon, fresh bread.

A guest uses the bathroom above our hotel room. The sound of water pouring down fills the air.

A distant dog starts barking, which sets of a chain reaction with other dogs, including my own.

Seriously...WILL YOU PEOPLE PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!? I'M TIRED OF BEING IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN CACOPHONOUS HOTEL!!! YOUR KIDS AREN'T CUTE, YOU'RE NOT CUTE, THIS HOTEL ISN'T CUTE. SHUT UP, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! I feel like my ears are constantly being raped by the most annoying sounds in the world. Just shuuuuuut uuuuuupppp!!!!!!!!!!

The Terminator

Dearest Husband,

It is with sincere regret that I must inform you that your services as Launderer for the Aycock family will be terminated, effective immediately.

I appreciate all the work you have done to support the household in the past two months, in the wake of The Great Broken Ankle of 2011. However, I have grown tired of wearing clothes that resemble a Shar-Pei puppy's butt.

While you have been an otherwise wonderful contribution to the House of Aycock, I cannot abide one more grocery sack full of "clean" clothing that has been left to petrify in the trunk of your car for three days.

Due to your qualifications and proven abilities in other aspects of running a household (i.e. making it rain) I would ask that you consider staying on with us, in a more modified career path. But you are no longer authorized to operate a washing machine, clothes dryer, or handle bleach. Oh, and you also owe me $7 for what used to be a pair of black underwear, but has now been rendered a sickly peach color.

Thank you for your efforts.

Sincerely, and with much love,
The Mrs.

Uncomfortably Numb

Yesterday I got the 40lb boot off my leg - FINALLY!!! I wore it til we got home, then took it off and tried to walk a little in the hotel. I figured I'd be all fawn-floppy, but I was stronger than I thought. Although, it's weird, because the areas surrounding my incision sites are completely numb. I know it's no big deal, but it is still disconcerting when you're scratching an itch, and you get to a spot where you just can't feel the scratch anymore. And on another, more serious note, my leg looks disgusting. All of the dead skin is finally starting to peel off. Think of your worst sunburn, and multiply that amount of peeling skin by 10. It's all Josh to do to not gag every time he sees my leg. GREAT for the romance department.

  by  sly06 

"Hey baby, come give me a kiss."
"Do you have your socks on?"
"Um, no, I'm in my bare feeties."
"Well, I'm going to have to take a rain check. Let me know when you can no longer be called Courtzilla. And while we're at it, cut your toenails, woman! You could shuck oysters with those things!"

Remind me to sprinkle some toe skin on his face when he's asleep.

HAHA, GROSS, i've gone too far.

Did I mention I've started taking Ambien?? Because I have. And this feels gooooooood. But makes it hard to blog coherently. Apparently Ambien can cause sleep-walking, sleep-eating, sleep-driving, and sleep-sex. So, if this entry is starting to get really strange to you, let's just chalk it up to sleep-blogging, and ignore.

Ok, back on to my foot. Today was my first PT appointment. She was awesome, and funny, which I love because it means I don't have to restrain my awesome and funny from other people. She gave me a bunch of homework to do. She forced me to go up and down stairs...TWICE!! Bitch.

But, the best part about it - I am now the proud owner of my very own CANE!!!!! It's plain black, but I will be finding some stickers or paint markers, ASAP. I need something with flames, or glitter, or stars. Any ideas?

I also need a top hat....and a bow-tie. Mark my words, in the next month, you will see a photo of me with a cane, a top hat, and some sort of bow-tie. And I think I'll wear it out, at least once. Why embarrass yourself with a plain cane? I am determined to have fun with my ridiculousness.
So going grocery shopping like this:

  by  twm1340 

ON another note...dammmmmmmmn, I feel like hell. I really feel like I have the flu, without a flu. My whole body hurts from PT, and from walking with just a cane. My bad leg hurts, my good leg hurts from supporting the bad one more, my left arm and shoulder hurts from using the cane, and that all gets me cattywampus, so my back hurts. Some sort of Germany allergies are attacking me in a not very nice way, and so my eyes are itchy and watery, and my nose is gooey. Plus, we had a front come thru (it's a low of 51 right now), and I keep getting cold! So I'm laying in bed, tucked under big blankets, with lots of body aches, and facial goo. But really, I feel great!! Prettiest girl in the world, no doubt.

Feline Homicide

Fact: The cat is terrified of strangers, including cleaning ladies.

Fact: You will see the cat hiding behind a bookshelf after the cleaning lady leaves (or at least be 95% sure you saw him).

Fact: When the cat hasn't surfaced in thirty minutes, you will go hunting for him.

Fact: The cat will not be in any visible place. You will turn over couches. You will do belly crawls across the floor. You will almost rebreak your ankle trying to get off the floor.

Fact: You will call your husband, shrieking like a panic-frenzied harpy, insisting that the cleaning lady let the cat out.

Fact: In a genius attempt to make his owners crazy, the cat will decide that hiding UNDER CLOTHES in a corner is an even BETTER option than just hiding in a corner, sans camouflage.

Fact: After giving the cat the evil eye for two full minutes, you will decide that sticking him in a bag and drowning him in the river is perhaps too harsh of a punishment. You will dole out cookies instead.

Fact: 11:00 am is not too early for wine.

Misspelled Word of the Day

Jumbala

Definition: A cajun dish of rice, peppers, sausage, and spices.

Source: A hand-written grocery list.

I won't embarrass the culprit by naming names....

Derp.

Well, hello again!

I took a week long hiatus (well, duh, if you read my blog, I'm sure you know that). It's not that I meant to, though. I just don't have anything new to say.
Still stuck in the hotel room.
Still having major trouble sleeping. Get this - yesterday, I didn't go to sleep until 7:30am, woke up at 11:30am. Last night, you'd THINK I'd be tired enough to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Nope, tossed and turned til 3:30am....I'm starting to think I have some major mental problems. :/
Still having issues with walking. I don't need to use crutches around the house, though. And, I was able to take the riser off the toilet. I had to have it on before, because the toilet was too low to the ground for me to get up by myself. So sad.

Thursday, I get follow-up x-rays. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking "I just know they're going to find something wrong, and I'm going to have to get surgery again." Aycock luck, remember?

Other than that, there's not much else to tell. Rental movies & takeout food. Well, Josh has been cooking some, but the last attempt resulted in a smoke and pepper filled apartment that threatened to choke us all out. The dog and I had an hour-long cough attack because of a quesadilla adventure gone awry.

On the plus side - we get to move into our house on July 1st! Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster, because I cannot stand hotel living. I can't wait to get our kitchen, Josh can't wait to get our bed, Rufus can't wait to get his scratching post, and Sasha can't wait to get her own yard again.

By the way, here are pics of the house we're moving to:

Complete with 2 flights of stairs for me to try not to fall down.

Mental Problems Pt. 2

I've been trying to figure out why in blazes I'm having such a hard time typing. I can't quit reach the "B" with my thumb, and it feels really strange to try to reach the "V" and the "C" as well.

Then it hit me.

WHY THE HECK HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO TYPE WITH MY THUMB?!?

I think my brain has atrophied along with my ankle.

And the cat is definitely laughing at me...

Mental Problems

Every time the dog sneezes:

I say "bless you."

What is wrong with me?

25 Favorite Eats

I've really been trying to watch what I eat. And by watch, I mean look at the food as I shove it into my face as fast as possible.

But seriously, I have been eating healthier since I've been here. Fruit for lunch. Salads for dinner. No wine or beer, which is really the hardest, suckiest thing a piece of cake. However...I'm hungry. So to suppress my appetite, I'm going to write about food, instead of eat it. Although I have to say, it's easy to keep from snacking all day when foraging for food means wandering around the apartment via crutches, wearing a plastic bag around your arm to collect said foraged food. Before the hubster goes to work, he leaves me a bowl of washed fruits and vegetables, and a couple glasses of water. Basically, I'm a hamster.

And on with the list:

1. Lemongrass tofu from Kim Son in Houston!! A special treat for when my mother and I visit H-town. If I'm ever put on death row, this will be my last meal.

2. Chipotle burritos. 'Nuff said.

3. My mother's cranberry & apple pie. My mother's pie is the reason my dad married her. And that sounds dirty, so I'm moving on.

The (maybe a little too) happy couple.










4. Olives. I love everything about olives. I can eat them until my ankles swell up to the size of Gilbert Grape's mother's jowls.

5. Cheese and bread. I have often said that I would rather have cheese and bread for dessert any day over cookies and cakes. I freaking love cheese.

I'm home, Grandpa. I'm home.














6. Tex-Mex. Oh, my long-lost love. I haven't had any good Tex-Mex food since leaving the Great State in 2006. Manna from Heaven. Ambrosia. All that is good and right with the world resides in true Tex-Mex restaurants.

7. Any food my Grandmother has touched. That woman can make magic, I'm telling you. She is God's gift to taste buds.

This really is just a typical meal at Grandmother & Grandpa's house. Full of the sounds of love, laughter, and bellies about to explode.















8. Shrimp night at my Grandmommy & Grandaddy's house. I used to spend every weekend at their house, and every once in awhile, we would have a shrimp night. She would painstakingly peel about a million shrimp, and we'd have them in two, maybe three ways. Shrimp cocktail, and fried shrimp (that had been battered with cracker crumbs). For my 8 year old's mind, it was a luxurious feast.

9. Navajo tacos. My family always traveled A LOT, and whenever we took road trips, we almost always ended up in New Mexico, and Colorado (normally on the way up to Vancouver Island to visit my dad's side of the family, or visiting Ouray with Grandmommy). Anywho, we would always stop and get Navajo tacos. We were no strangers to walking out of restaurants once we found out that this delectable dish wasn't served at said establishment. Navajo tacos are basically tacos served on fry bread. Oy, I just drooled on myself.

Start here. Go 10 miles in any direction, and you should be able to find one.

10. Fried pickles. Salt and grease. What's NOT to love?

11. Cornbread and molasses. Paging Ma Ingalls to the kitchen.


12. Greek salad. Feta, olives, artichoke hearts...I should have been born along the Mediterranean.

(a million points if you can guess where this photo was taken)

13. Kale. Technically, the only kale I've ever had was at a tapas bar I went to in Victoria, BC with my cousin. But it was seriously awesome. Tangy and crisp, I could eat that every day and be happy. (oh, and the tapas bar had awesome martinis)

14. Mac & cheese. Because I'm a lactose-lovin' carboholic.

15. Buffalo wing sauce. I know this is weird, considering I'm a vegetarian that has never had a buffalo wing in her entire life. But, I love the flavor of wing sauce. I've had it with fried mozzarella, and on burgers. Really, the best veggie burger I've ever had is from Buffalo Wild Wings - and I always have them slather on some of their Hot (and occasionally, the Wild) sauce.

16. Blintzes, bagels, and latkes. I think I'm a Jewish girl trapped in a Gentile's body. My mother is definitely a Jewish mother, as well. Hell, I think one of the reasons why we used to always watch Barbra Streisand musicals together was so she could perfect her accent.
This is definitely my mother's sister from another mister.

  by  JCT(Loves)Streisand* 

]

17. Smoked salmon. Yes, I'm a vegetarian. No, I don't eat fish anymore. But I have very fond memories of eating my weight in smoked salmon on numerous occasions when visiting my family in Campbell River, BC. Not only is smoked salmon delicious, but you will make fast friends with any cats in a 25 mile radius.

18. Berries!! Another fond, family memory. Whether we picked our own salmonberries, raspberries, and blueberries in Canada, or we picked our own dewberries and strawberries in Texas, summers were always full of berries! Jams, pies, fresh with real whipped cream...yum!

19. Spiciness. I'm a true Texan. I love burn-your-butthole spiciness in all foods. Crushed red pepper is a staple in our house.
If you're mouth doesn't feel like this when you eat, you're doing something wrong.

  by  Image Editor 

20. Potbelly Sandwiches. If you've never been to Potbellys, find the nearest one and GO NOW!! These sandwiches are seriously the best I've ever had. They come with a garnish of spicy pickled vegetables (peppers, olives, cauliflower, carrots, etc.) that is so good, we've bought jars of it before just so we could have it at home. Oh, what I wouldn't give for one of those sandwiches right now.

21. Ohio pizza. Thin crust, cut into itty-bitty squares, with LOADS of toppings (I always got the black & green olive combo). I think they're cut into small squares so you can shove more into your mouth at once.

22. Creamed tuna on toast. This is another one from the memory bank. Mom used to always make this whenever we weren't having a traditional dinner (say, dad was working late or something). We almost always had family dinners every night, so I didn't get this dish that often. But maaaaaaan, did I love it. Basically just a roux mixed with a can of tuna, and dumped over toast. Looked like the cat threw up, but it was goooood!

Rufus, loves to make his own creamed tuna on toast and leave it for me to step on in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.











23. Mango Magic or Blimey Limey smoothies (made with Splenda, not sugar) from Tropical Smoothie. I used to have these smoothies for lunch almost every day when we lived in Virginia.

24. Taco Cabana. 1 small quesadilla with pico de gallo and 1 black bean taco, to-go, please.

25. Fries with malt vinegar & salt. Fish & chips have always been a big thing for me. We used to eat at this floating fish & chip shop in Victoria. Josh and I also went to "the most famous F&C shop in the world" when we were on our honeymoon in Ireland after which I got horribly sick. I just love everything about tart vinegar & yummy salt covering fried potatoes.

By the way, I'm pretty sure it was drinking the tap water that made me sick, not the fish and chip shop.








I think I gained about 30lbs from writing this entry. Time to go eat a 35 calorie cup of unsweetened applesauce.

  by  Carolyn Coles 

25 Things that Bug Me

Because I'm chronically cranky, remember?

Yeah, this cranky. Merry F-ing Christmas.










1. Please quit saying "da bomb." We're not in the mid-nineties, and you're not a ridiculous Food Network caricature with overly bleached hair that has sunglasses permanently fused to the back of his head.

2. People who wear fur as a fashion statement. Chances are, I will think less of you as a person.

3. People who don't wash their hands or use hand sanitizer.

4. Raisins. They're nothing but squishy little bugs with the legs pulled off. They have no place in a civilized society.

5. People who don't realize that The Onion is SATIRE!!!!

6. "You go, girl." Now mainly used by women who just didn't get the memo that the phrase makes you seem sad and old.

7. People who call themselves vegetarians when they eat poultry, fish, and other non-vegetarian animal products (such as using bacon grease to fry potatoes). Newsflash: Vegetarians DON'T EAT ANIMALS!!! If you eat fish, fine, call yourself a pescetarian. Don't be ashamed of it, but for the love of all things Holy, quit labeling yourself as a vegetarian!! When I was in high school, I would eat fish every once in awhile. I have long since realized the error of my hypocritical ways.

8. Getting a rock stuck in my shoe. You know that irritates the poo out of you, too.

9. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter

By the way, these are jackasses, not Democratic Party symbols.








10. Having a handful of something delicious, and eating the last one without realizing it was the last one. You look around for a half-second for that last little morsel, and then sink into disappointment as you realize it is gone.

11. I don't think I've ever had a meal that didn't have at least one animal hair hidden somewhere on the plate. Even at restaurants, where the animal hair no doubt sloughed off of me. Just once, I'd like to eat a pet-free meal.

Pure evil.




12. Mayonnaise. It looks like the aftermath of a horrible infection.

13. Saying "like" way too many times. I hate that I do this, but it's almost as if it's a nervous tic or something. Like, you know, like I just can't help it. Ugh.

14. People who use "your" and "you're" interchangeably. This is probably the thing that makes me the most insane. It really isn't that hard. "Your" is possessive, and "you're" means "you are." And that brings me to my next gripe.

15. People who excuse their bad grammar. "So what, this ain't English class." or "Who are you, the Grammar Nazi?" Nobody has ever said those things to me, because I normally NEVER correct somebody on their grammar (unless it's a very close family member). I just hate when people excuse themselves from proper behavior and societal interactions, just because they think they can. Have a little pride, and self-respect!
See examples:
Lamebook
Failbook

16. Lady Gaga. We get it, you want everyone to notice you and think that you're the most original thing in the world. I don't care, you suck.

17. Calling something "gay" when you mean "stupid." Yes, I sound like one of those PSAs, but that really bothers me. Even if you don't mean it to come out that way, it makes you sound like a homophobic redneck.

18. Cupcakes with mounds of frosting. Really, any cake with mounds of frosting. It's just tooooo much.

19. If you don't like travel, and you don't like animals, I will never trust you. You don't have to like BOTH, but if you don't like EITHER, we can't be friends.

20. Cooking meat for my husband. It's gross, it smells bad, and I'm basically massaging road kill with herbs and spices to make it taste less dead.

Vomit.














21. Organized religion.

22. Toilet paper hung in the improper underhand fashion.

23. Being so awesome at Dr. Mario that no one wants to play the game with me.

24. When the underwire tries to make a move out of the bra, and impale me.

25. Not being able to see my family and friends whenever I want. I love my nomadic life, but I miss my loved ones.

Oh, and I have a bonus one for you.

26. People who gripe about ridiculous things. Life is fun, there is no need to poop on everybody's parade. This means you, Cranky McGee.

Get over yourself, Aycock.