Wednesday, June 1, 2011

25 Things that Bug Me

Because I'm chronically cranky, remember?





Yeah, this cranky. Merry F-ing Christmas.










1. Please quit saying "da bomb." We're not in the mid-nineties, and you're not a ridiculous Food Network caricature with overly bleached hair that has sunglasses permanently fused to the back of his head.

2. People who wear fur as a fashion statement. Chances are, I will think less of you as a person.

3. People who don't wash their hands or use hand sanitizer.

4. Raisins. They're nothing but squishy little bugs with the legs pulled off. They have no place in a civilized society.

5. People who don't realize that The Onion is SATIRE!!!!

6. "You go, girl." Now mainly used by women who just didn't get the memo that the phrase makes you seem sad and old.

7. People who call themselves vegetarians when they eat poultry, fish, and other non-vegetarian animal products (such as using bacon grease to fry potatoes). Newsflash: Vegetarians DON'T EAT ANIMALS!!! If you eat fish, fine, call yourself a pescetarian. Don't be ashamed of it, but for the love of all things Holy, quit labeling yourself as a vegetarian!! When I was in high school, I would eat fish every once in awhile. I have long since realized the error of my hypocritical ways.

8. Getting a rock stuck in my shoe. You know that irritates the poo out of you, too.

9. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter




By the way, these are jackasses, not Democratic Party symbols.








10. Having a handful of something delicious, and eating the last one without realizing it was the last one. You look around for a half-second for that last little morsel, and then sink into disappointment as you realize it is gone.

11. I don't think I've ever had a meal that didn't have at least one animal hair hidden somewhere on the plate. Even at restaurants, where the animal hair no doubt sloughed off of me. Just once, I'd like to eat a pet-free meal.



Pure evil.




12. Mayonnaise. It looks like the aftermath of a horrible infection.

13. Saying "like" way too many times. I hate that I do this, but it's almost as if it's a nervous tic or something. Like, you know, like I just can't help it. Ugh.

14. People who use "your" and "you're" interchangeably. This is probably the thing that makes me the most insane. It really isn't that hard. "Your" is possessive, and "you're" means "you are." And that brings me to my next gripe.

15. People who excuse their bad grammar. "So what, this ain't English class." or "Who are you, the Grammar Nazi?" Nobody has ever said those things to me, because I normally NEVER correct somebody on their grammar (unless it's a very close family member). I just hate when people excuse themselves from proper behavior and societal interactions, just because they think they can. Have a little pride, and self-respect!
See examples:
Lamebook
Failbook

16. Lady Gaga. We get it, you want everyone to notice you and think that you're the most original thing in the world. I don't care, you suck.

17. Calling something "gay" when you mean "stupid." Yes, I sound like one of those PSAs, but that really bothers me. Even if you don't mean it to come out that way, it makes you sound like a homophobic redneck.

18. Cupcakes with mounds of frosting. Really, any cake with mounds of frosting. It's just tooooo much.

19. If you don't like travel, and you don't like animals, I will never trust you. You don't have to like BOTH, but if you don't like EITHER, we can't be friends.

20. Cooking meat for my husband. It's gross, it smells bad, and I'm basically massaging road kill with herbs and spices to make it taste less dead.



Vomit.














21. Organized religion.

22. Toilet paper hung in the improper underhand fashion.

23. Being so awesome at Dr. Mario that no one wants to play the game with me.

24. When the underwire tries to make a move out of the bra, and impale me.

25. Not being able to see my family and friends whenever I want. I love my nomadic life, but I miss my loved ones.


Oh, and I have a bonus one for you.

26. People who gripe about ridiculous things. Life is fun, there is no need to poop on everybody's parade. This means you, Cranky McGee.

Get over yourself, Aycock.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, goodness, you're a good woman if you'll cook meat for your husband! It is so nasty (says the person who'll eat meat once in a while now, as long as it's super processed sausage and someone else cooks it. Yeah, that doesn't make sense, I know). Anyway, I was going to cook beef (which is super nasty, in my book) for enchiladas for a friend's birthday once. I had to force myself to pick it up by a corner of the package at the store (eww, meat juice). When I cooked it, I had this complicated system of spoons and forks so I never had to come into contact with it. I had no idea if it tasted good and I cooked it super long because I didn't want to kill my friend, after all!

    ReplyDelete